Recently, we learned that a couple who are friends of ours are
separated and contemplating ending their marriage. It seems the husband
committed an indiscretion that the wife cannot bring herself to forgive. In
fact, she is repulsed by his actions to such a degree that she can barely stand
to be in his presence for very long, so they are permanently temporarily
separated. Forgiveness is not even on her list of response options. Murder,
maybe, but not forgiveness.
Please understand that I am not writing this to judge either of
these great people. I love them and pray that God will perform a miracle of
reconciliation in their lives and restore them to effective service in the
ministry of the church. Nevertheless, real-life events
like this often bring the things of God into sharp focus. This event turns my
mind toward the meaning of forgiveness.
First of all, consider the reaction of this wife to her husband’s
breach of trust and then put the entire event in the context of eternity. In
other words, multiply the wife’s feelings of revulsion by infinity. Then
consider the sin of Adam against an infinite, eternal, holy and righteous God. Now
you can begin to get a feel for the separation that existed between holy God
and fallen man. Yet God forgives! In fact, He had the plan of redemption –
which includes the response of forgiveness of sin – in place before He ever
created Adam. (2 Tim. 1.9-10)
God is omnipotent – He knows all things – past, present, and
future. This means that He planned to forgive Adam even before Adam sinned. Forgiveness
was built into the relationship package. Adam was God’s creation “for better or
for worse.” One might argue about when God knew what and how much control He had over Adam's actions, but the fact is that He planned to forgive even before Adam sinned.
If marriages were built on the same premise, then spouses would
respond to indiscretions of their mates in a very different manner. Even if we were repulsed by the others actions, we would be drawn toward them,willing to make a sacrificial effort toward
reconciliation. The problem is that we are flesh and blood. We are not God.
I am convinced that forgiveness is an attribute that is uniquely God's.
Only God can do it. There is no other power in the Universe that can forgive.
It is that hard. For this wife to forgive her husband will require the
intervention of the omnipotent Holy Spirit empowering her to do what she could never do on her own. Only He can heal such glaring
wounds. We are powerless against them. All of our efforts will never mend a
broken heart or restore a violated trust. Such mending requires the touch of
the miraculous – something which is no challenge for God.
Here is another point: To forgive requires our complete surrender
of self to God. This is not a call to fatalism, but to surrender. Forgiveness
is extremely hard – virtually impossible – but forgiveness must begin with the
offended: God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners,
Christ died for us (Rom. 5.8).
I am sure in her anger this wife probably would like to kill her
unfaithful husband, but God even thought of that and did it for us in
substitution: In Christ we have redemption through his blood (that means
someone killed Him on our behalf), the forgiveness of our trespasses,
according to the riches of his grace (Eph. 1.7).
Now for a moment consider the husband. If he could take it back, I
am certain he would. But that, too, is impossible. He can never undo the wrong.
I am sure he is making every effort at retribution, but there is nothing that a
person can do to restore trust back to its original condition, no matter how
hard we might try or how good we are in the future.
Again, put that in terms of eternity. How could a finite man think
that he could ever be good enough for God to accept his works as retribution or
as payment enough to restore the broken fellowship that existed before sin? The sin of man was of infinite proportion and thus it
cannot be atoned for apart from an act of infinite love – better known as grace. For
by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it
is the gift of God (Eph. 2.8).
When it comes to love between a husband and wife, we tend to want
to lean away from the sacred and holy for various reasons – especially when the
subject concerns intimacy. Yet in light of all that I said above, we should
think about this: When we say to each other, "I love you," it must
include such an idea as God taught us by His actions:
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins (1 John 4.10).
With this kind of love, when we say to each other "I love
you," we are confessing that, no matter what happens – even when I am offended
and repulsed by your behavior – I will pay the price for reconciliation.
"I love you" means that my desire for you will always outweigh your
transgressions – that even when you step back or even if you step away, I will
not move except in our direction. I love you so, that I give to you that which means more to me than anything
else in all the world – myself (John 3.16).
As with most marriages, I fear, this couple did not make this kind
of covenant. After the trust is broken, the covenant cannot easily be restored
short of the supernatural. Of course, the best thing would be never to violate
the others trust, but such things are common among humans. So the next best
thing is to make the commitment before the flesh has an opportunity to fatally
wound our spirit and our relationships.
